


Still Breathing

by beaglesinbowties (Girlblunder)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:18:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6051334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girlblunder/pseuds/beaglesinbowties
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something horrible happens to James, and Lucy and Kara are left trying to figure out how to adjust to a life without him.</p><p>Written as part of my personal challenge to write for small ships for Femslash February.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> My grandest apologies for any mistakes, but I was in a hurry trying to finish this in time before dinner. This is unbeta'd and I'm sorry to say I didn't go back to make edits. This is just off-the-cuff writing, but I hope it's still alright enough for everyone to read.
> 
> Part of my personal challenge is to start and finish these all on the same day (Thursday), but i can still make corrections later.

* * *

When it happens, it happens suddenly and without warning. Out of all the calls Lucy has feared getting about James, this is one she's never expected.

She hurries over to the hospital because there's no way she heard the doctor right. James is _fine_ , she just dropped him off at the airport an hour and a half ago. His flight should be taking off any time now. She's sure that when she gets to the hospital she and the doctor will have a laugh because _James is fine_.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," the doctor says. There's dark bags under his eyes and deep lines around his mouth and his sorrow doesn't make sense.

"No," she says as she tries to smile, "James is fine. He's on a flight to Metropolis."

"Miss Lane, though it is uncommon for someone so young to have a brain aneurysm rupture, it _does_ happen. Is there someone you can call?"

Lucy can only stare at him. None of this makes sense. James is _healthy_.

"I'll help her," a hoarse voice says from behind her.

The doctor looks relieved, but it isn't until he's gone that Lucy turns to face the newcomer. Kara's eyes are red, her cheeks tracked with half-dried tears.

"Lucy," Kara says in a broken voice.

Kara looks desolate and - and it's then that the news sinks in and Lucy's world begins to crumble and fall all around her.

"Kara, i-it's not him, right?" she asks in desperation. Her hands are clenched into tight fists at her side and her eyes burn with the effort it takes to keep from crying.

It looks like Kara wants to speak, but nothing seems to come out. Fresh tears spill out onto her cheeks.

Lucy manages a half step forward before she falters. Kara keeps her from falling.

"I," Lucy swallows, "I don't feel well."

It's an understatement, of course. Lucy has no idea how to explain to Kara that it simultaneously feels like there's quicksand under her feet and her head feels so disconnected from her body that it will surely float away any moment.

"James," she whispers a moment before she buries her face against Kara's shoulder.

* * *

The day of the funeral is oddly anticlimactic, Lucy thinks. Lois and Clark have flown all the way from Metropolis, and she finds their grief oddly stifling. They were both friends of James, but they'd grown distant as time went on after his initial move.

There's no logical reason why, but Lucy is furious with them. James had died surrounded by strangers in an airport because he'd wanted to go visit his old friends. On nearly every other day he would have been at CatCo. He would have been with her. He should have been with her.

James's mother Cynthia cries for the entire ceremony, and it's the sound of her quiet sobs that penetrate her light fog of anger. Before today she'd thought that she's surely all cried out; Lanes are tougher by nature, after all.

All it takes is one look at Cynthia's face wreathed in grief for Lucy to feel her control slipping. She's afraid to look down and find that familiar quicksand at her feet.

Someone moves next to her, and Lucy is tempted to snap at Clark for the tenth time that she's _fine_ , but it isn't Clark's hand that softly clasps her wrist.

The grip is gentle, and a light waft of perfume alerts her that her company isn't the choking presence of Clark Kent.

Kara's eyes glisten sadly, but when their eyes meet she manages a half smile. The ground that had seemed to tremble just moments before has become firm again. Lucy makes it through the rest of the service with stinging eyes and a heavy heart.

She's relieved that she manages to keep from crying in public. She hates making a spectacle of herself, that's always been more of Lois's thing.

With Kara's hand on her wrist she forgets her anger. Lois and Clark _are_ both crying, and she remembers that they loved James too.

"Stay," she whispers to Kara when people begin to line up to offer her and Cynthia their condolences.

Kara nods, and it's good enough for her.

She has a few panicked moments when she loses sight of Kara at the wake, but a hand gently nudges at her back. "Here," Kara says as she nudges a mug of something warm in between Lucy's too-cold hands.

"Thanks." The word seems too little for what Kara has done for her since she'd gotten that horrible call, but she doesn't know what to say to the one person that she knows is keeping her from being drowned and suffocated in her own grief.

She doesn't cry again until everyone but Cynthia and Kara are gone. Cynthia's got an old photo album out, and she and Lucy would surely be nothing but fragments of loss if it isn't for Kara's long arms and strong shoulders.

Kara cries quietly with them, but they're beautiful, silent tears that somehow make Lucy just slightly better.

"You loved him too," Lucy finds herself saying. There's no judgement in the words.

"Yes," Kara admits with a sad smile.

Lucy's eyes close and she sighs. It makes sense to her now why she takes such comfort in Kara; Kara understands how it feels in a way Cynthia, Clark, or Lois can never understand - even if it's just a little bit.

"Good."

She's surprised when she manages her first real smile since before she'd dropped James off at the airport. It's a start, she supposes.

* * *

Kara stares at the mess waiting outside Lucy's apartment. There's a cardboard box haphazardly stuffed with odds and ends; she can see a few items of clothing as well as a few photo frames and knick knacks. The door is wide open.

"Um, Lucy?" she calls out as she enters the apartment.

She hears nothing for a moment, and is about to resort to her super senses when she hears a muffled "in here!"

She follows the sound, having to step around several items in her trek. There's hockey gear and more clothes, but it's the shiny golden object deposited in the middle of the hallway that captures her attention. She grabs it and hurries to find Lucy.

"Is this a-"

"Pulitzer," Lucy confirms as she pushes aside more clothes in her closet. "Perry had it shipped as an apology for not being able to make it for the funeral. As if I care about some stupid lump of metal."

Kara fidgets with the large coin before carefully setting it down on the nightstand and returning her attention to the still-busy Lucy. "Uhm, Alex called me. She said I might want to come over?"

Lucy stops and turns on her heel, grinning at Kara in a way that makes her step back nervously.

"You know, I really like your sister. She's not a bullshitter. As a lawyer and decent human being, I appreciate that." Lucy's grin fades and her eyes harden. "I, however, _don't_ need a babysitter."

There's churning in Kara's stomach. She reaches up to fidget with her glasses. "She's not-"

The closet door is slammed shut, and Lucy turns and sends her a furious glare. "Don't lie to me, Kara."

Kara sighs, but brings her chin up. "Look, it's been two months and you still haven't come back to work. I'm worried, Miss Grant is worried-" she's interrupted by a snort, but continues, "and even Winn is worried. I just asked Alex to swing by a few times since her schedule is a little more flexible than mine."

"I'm fine, Kara," Lucy says flatly. She's turned away from Kara, but Kara can see from her stiff posture and crossed arms that she's clearly not fine.

"Yeah? What are you doing, then?" Kara turns back to trace a hand over the Pulitzer. James had always been modest about his contribution that had earned The Daily Planet the prestigious award, but Kara knows he was proud of his craft.

"I'm moving on."

The mess suddenly makes sense to Kara; the objects and clothes flash in her mind and it's clear to her now that these are all of James's possessions. "Lucy, are you sure this is the best way to-"

"I can't do it, Kara," Lucy says in a low voice, "I can't keep living here surrounded by all of his things. I kept telling him to get rid of his hockey stuff since he never plays any more, but would he listen? No. He told me he'd get around to it, just like he told me he loved me." Lucy is storming around the room and kicking at what Kara understands are James's scattered possessions.

"Lucy," she tries softly as she steps forward with a hand outstretched.

Lucy jerks away and shakes her head, looking around angrily before the energy suddenly leaves her. She crosses her arms, her hands rubbing at the bare skin of her arms. "He wanted to marry me, you know," she says in a barely discernible voice, "but I kept telling him no."

Kara's arm falls and her chest aches. Lucy's anger makes more sense; she's angry at James for leaving her, but she's even more angry with herself.

"You had no way of knowing. None of us did." The words she said to bring some kind of comfort to Lucy don't seem to help at all.

Lucy's face crumples and she lets herself drop to the floor until her knees are tucked up under her chin and she's hugging herself tightly. "I thought we'd have more time."

It's at this point that Kara realizes that nothing she says will help. Nothing she says will bring James back. Pulling from memories of Eliza and Alex comforting her, Kara moves silently until she's sitting next to Lucy. Their shoulders brush, but neither speaks.

She waits until Lucy's sniffles stop. "Why don't you tell me? Tell me everything you wanted to do."

At first she thinks Lucy's just going to ignore her, but then the words start to slowly trickle out.

"He wanted to learn to play the bagpipes," Lucy says. There's a pause, and then she bursts into laughter, "My god, I don't know why, but he did."

"I didn't know that," Kara admits. Her eyes are stinging but her smile is real, because for a moment it feels like James is here too. She can picture the faces he'd make at Lucy. They were a great couple.

As Lucy continues talking, Kara realizes that even though she's gone on with her life, she's needed this too. The life in Lucy's eyes helps her remember the life she used to see in James's.

The ache in her chest eases when Lucy laughs again.

* * *

"Oh my god do I have to be here?" Alex groans and scratches at one of the halter straps holding her dress up.

Kara reacts by reaching over and pinching her side. "Hush, yes."

Alex swats at her hand and scowls. "I really hate this dress - and your boss."

"Yes, I know," Kara says impatiently, "now hush. Lucy's speech is soon."

The man at the podium smiles and steps aside as the audience claps politely.

Lucy looks amazing in an elegant navy evening gown, far more graceful in the high heels than Kara could ever hope to be.

It's hard to picture this smiling, confident Lucy as the same Lucy who'd been too distraught to leave her apartment after losing James, but Kara knows this _is_ the same woman.

"Thank you. When Miss Grant told me she wanted to throw a party celebrating James's life work, at first I was hesitant. Though it's been eight months since he died, sometimes I still find it very difficult to talk about him. Then I remembered his work." Lucy raises a hand and holds up a tiny remote. She presses a button, and the screen behind her comes alive. James's grinning face appears.

When she turns to look behind her, her voice is wistful. "James wanted to change the world by showing people things that he saw every day; whether that was people trying to help each other through a tragedy," the image of James fades and is replaced crumbling buildings and smoke. A line of people can be seen as they carefully remove rubble, "or breathtaking photos of tragedies averted."

Again the image flickers, and Kara stops breathing. On screen is an image of _her_ as Supergirl. It had been the day she'd been powerless and the Earthquake had hit. The image is still powerful after nearly two years. Beside her, Alex takes her hand. She offers her sister a smile but remains focused on Lucy.

"James wanted to change the world," Lucy repeats when she turns back to face the crowd with watery eyes and a shaking voice, "and I think he did with his tremendous talent. That's why I knew I had to say yes when Miss Grant offered to host his party. To James." She raises a flute filled with water, and the crowd around her responds in kind.

"To James," Kara repeats in a whisper. Lucy smiles and wipes at her face with one hand. Kara thinks she still looks amazing.

There's more applause as Lucy carefully leaves the stage, and Kara can only smile.

"I know that look," Alex says, interrupting Kara's reverie.

Kara blinks and focuses on her. "What look?"

Alex's mouth opens, but she just chuckles and shakes her head. "Never mind, here comes Lucy."

Kara's head whips around so quickly that her hair flutters. She grins when Lucy gets closer. "You were amazing!"

Lucy laughs and brushes back some of her hair with one hand. "I just presented his work."

"You did so much more than that," Kara insists affectionately. "You made Miss Grant tear up."

"What? No." Lucy's head ducks around and, sure enough, Cat Grant is discreetly wiping at one eye with a cloth tissue.

"See?" Kara says warmly. Lucy bumps their shoulders together and laughs. Kara is so distracted by the sound that she doesn't notice Alex snickering to herself.

Lucy's recovery is incredible. _Lucy_ is incredible.

* * *

"Calm down, Winn. What are you saying?" Lucy really isn't ready to listen to him ramble on nervously. She's only had _one_ cup of coffee so far, and that isn't nearly enough since she'd been up late going over the revised manual for HR. Really, it had only taken three lawsuits for her to convince Miss Grant that it was time to update the company policies.

"Lucy, are you _really_ telling me you don't see it?" Winn looks concerned, and Lucy pauses in pouring herself another cup of coffee.

He brightens, and already Lucy regrets encouraging him. He's been acting weird, and Lucy's worried that he's developed a crush on her - or worse - Kara again. "You two are perfect together," he says with large eyes.

"Okay, wait." She blinks and takes a sip from her coffee. "Rewind, start again."

Winn frowns and takes a step backward, rubbing at the back of his neck with a hand. "You and Kara. I see the way you smile at her."

The mug of coffee stops its progress to Lucy's mouth. She can only stare at Winn as the meaning behind the words seeps into her mind and past the fog of exhaustion that's lingering from her long night. She puts the mug down.

Kara had kept her company last night, falling asleep a little after two. She'd been adorable, glasses skewed and hair mussed. Lucy had wished she was just a little stronger so she could at least settle her onto the couch. She'd had to content herself with gently waking Kara and guiding her to the guest bedroom.

Kara had been so sleepy that she'd climbed into bed fully dressed. Lucy had watched her sleep for a few minutes before returning to work.

Her thoughts flicker to James, and there's a funny feeling in the pit of her stomach. "I think you're right."

Winn looks even more surprised before, a slow grin spreading on his face. "I knew it!"

Lucy stares at her mug, still stunned. "I love Kara."

The sound of a pen clattering loudly against the floor pulls draws her attention, and she sees Kara blushing furiously and collecting the scattered papers and pen. She steps forward to try and explain, but Kara is gone before she's halfway across the floor.

She sighs and wraps her arms around herself. Lucy can't help but think there's a certain sense of irony to the situation. It doesn't make her feel any better.

* * *

"Calm down, Kara." Alex doesn't bother looking away from her monitor, instead patiently reviewing some data collected on a new alien the DEO had recently encountered.

"I can't calm down. L-Lucy s-said-"

"She loves, you yep. I know." Alex stops and stands, sending a hard glare at Kara. "I know because you've told me about a hundred times over the last three days."

"I-well," Kara stutters and fidgets with her cape.

Alex rolls her eyes and sighs. "Have you figured it out yet?"

"Figured what out?" Kara frowns at her, wondering if Alex has really even been paying attention.

"That you love her too," Alex says absently as she examines something through a microscope.

"I...I what?" Kara's face feels like it's on fire and she tries not to think about all of the things she's been thinking about nearly constantly for the last several days. The truth is she _does_ know she loves Lucy, she just can't admit it out loud.

James has been gone for over a year, but Kara doubts she'll ever feel okay about how she feels for Lucy. She still thinks that she should have known, should have done something to help keep James alive.

Alex has reminded her that with no medical training, x-ray vision only goes so far, but it hasn't helped. She's a good friend to Lucy, sure, but anything more is just...Lucy deserves better.

Kara still feels guilty that she's never admitted to even being Supergirl. They've been friends long enough, shared enough secrets. It had never seemed like the right time.

"Oh."

The lone word pulls Kara from her thoughts. "What?"

"You _do_ know. Why haven't you told her?" Alex is frowning now. She gives Kara a stern look that she's no doubt picked up from J'onn.

"I, we, it just-"

"There's been an explosion at the courthouse," Vasquez declares as she hurries into the room, "we're not sure what's going on."

A chill runs down Kara's spine as the blood drains from her face. Lucy was consulting on a case today for a friend. "Lucy!"

She's gone before Alex or Vasquez can react. Alex shares a grim look with Vasquez before going to collect her gear. Kara will be there way before Alex, but she intends to be there for Kara - in whatever way is necessary.

The courthouse is a mess, but Kara is determined. A fire is put out and a section of roof stabilized before she starts helping people out. Her heart sinks when she learns that the explosion was intentional.

The body count climbs higher the longer she's on the scene, but she's responsible for saving just as many as she can't help. The cries are fewer and further away, and when there's no one else to save she still hasn't found her.

"Lucy!" she shouts as she wanders through smoke and rubble.

Alex is trying to calm her over the comm, but Kara stops listening once Alex brokenly admits that the explosion originated from the courtroom Lucy had been present in.

That courtroom is little more than a black hole of death. She stumbles over chunks of wood, and stone, numb as she confirms that there's no one left alive at the courthouse.

Lucy is gone.

Kara couldn't save her, just like she couldn't save James.

"Supergirl!" she hears repeatedly as she exits the courthouse. Some want help, some want a comment. They all blur together as Kara cries.

She pulls herself together after a few moments, wiping angrily at her face as she flies over to the mobile command center she knows Alex has set up on scene.

"What do we know?" she asks as she storms up to the truck.

"Supergirl," Alex says gently as she holds a palm up to try and slow her down.

" _What do we know_?" Kara nearly spits out in her fury.

Alex sighs, but before she can say a word a new voice calls out.

"Supergirl!"

Kara spins around, unable to breathe until her eyes confirm what her ears have identified.

"Lucy," she breathes out, forgetting everything the moment she sees Lucy; clothes torn and dirty, but _alive_.

Lucy stumbles and Kara rushes forward. Her cape flutters around her and it's then that she remembers that this is a secret she hasn't told Lucy.

She's holding Lucy carefully up by her arms and it's difficult not to do more. "Ma'am, are you okay?"

Lucy heaves out a tired sigh and meets Kara's eyes. "Kara, I know it's you."

Kara freezes. She's _elated_ , but scared. Mostly she's just unsure what to do. She licks her lips nervously. "I'm not sure what you me-"

"Kara," Lucy lets out another aggrieved sigh, "I almost died, we don't have time for this."

Kara only has a moment to react before Lucy is on her tiptoes and then…

"I haven't even told you I love you yet," Kara whispers once the kiss ends. She blushes when she realizes what she's said, but Lucy only gives her a gentle smile.

"It's okay. I knew that too." Lucy's voice is soft - so soft that all Kara wants is to lean down and kiss her again.

"I almost lost you," Kara says as she leans down and rests their foreheads together. She closes her eyes, content that Lucy is warm and breathing and _here_.

"The Lanes are a pretty tough breed." Lucy chuckles and it's the most wonderful sound Kara's ever heard.

"I love you," she says.

Lucy responds by kissing her again.

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came from wanting to blend two prompts I'd received:  
> 1) One hears about the other's giant crush on them, but they can't say anything because that would be too embarrassing.  
> 2) One of them thinks the other has been killed but they turn out to be alive in the end.


End file.
